I miss Mommy

I miss being called Mommy. I'm Mom now to my children and I am in love with being called Mimi by my 18 month old granddaughter and soon by my 2 month old grandsons. But I would be lying if I said I didn't miss being Mommy.

When I was Mommy my children thought I was side-splitting hilarious. They thought I was easily the smartest person on the planet and they trusted every thing I told them. Straight up - saying their Mommy was wrong...well them's fighting words.

Mommy was an endless source of love and snuggles, kisses for boo boos and the one who never got tired of listening to their stories. Mom still has all those traits but grown married sons with their own families don't need snuggles anymore from mom. Yeah, yeah it would be totally weird if he did! I get it. I hugged my oldest son today after he dropped by to see if we needed anything, what with the snow and all he was going to the store and he wanted check in. I could just hug him for the longest time. It's been so long since I could just hold on to him for as long as I wanted. The other kids are still down with some long hugs but my oldest is 28, officially pushing 30 now and I don't think I'll ever get to just hold him again.

I look at him and his life unfolds in my mind like a movie. I know how he got the tiny scar on his head where the hair doesn't grow in the back. I held him as it gushed blood and I calmly reassured him he was okay. He looked into my eyes as I held him in the kitchen and he believed me. He let me wash it and tend it. I can see how handsome he was going to his first dance. I see little legs pedaling for all they were worth not even 3 years old riding a Batman bicycle with no training wheels. He trusted me completely when I took them off that late summer afternoon. People told me it would go fast, people told me what would happen when I blinked. They were right about the blinking. They were wrong about a lot things though. They were wrong when they said anything that began with a generalization about "all teens". He wasn't an ordinary teen. He was extraordinary. He was a great kid start to finish. They all were and I am not remembering it through misty eyes that blur the edges. Ask anyone. My children are amazing human beings.

I miss brushing my daughter's hair. She hated it more than life itself and I wish so much she could sit in my lap and let me GENTLY brush her hair while she chattered on about a Rugrats episode. I miss singing to them. I miss telling them stories. Mom is dependable. Mom is reliable. Mom is the keeper of sought after counsel and advice. Mom is the next call, after a spouse with good news and bad. Mom is great. Being Mom means the world to me. I love being Mom. But Mommy? Mommy was just different. It was unconditional, unbridled love. Love that wouldn't let them drift beyond the reach of my arms. Mommy was a desperate need to be so close to me they could smell me and touch my hair at all times. Mommy was the whole world to them. They looked at me with eyes that seemed to believe that I personally let the sun loose into the sky each and everyday, just for them. Everyone was second to Mommy. It's intoxicating being loved so much. No one else in the great wide world knew how they liked things, only Mommy. "That's not how Mommy does it."

They thought I was the most beautiful, softest lady. They were in love with me as much as I was in love with them. Children grow out of that "in love" feeling with their Mommies but Mommies never ever outgrow being in love with their children.

You love them so much you sacrifice everything for them. You wear the same tennis shoes for 10 years. You skip dental visits for lack of time or money and shop thrifty so they can take horsemanship lessons. In a moment's notice you can tell them how much they weighed and where they lost their first tooth. Your heart is a vault filled with their life's memories. You won't remember when they stopped calling you Mommy and started calling you Mom. You won't remember the last time you washed their hair or tucked them in. It will just faded away. You won't be able to pinpoint all the lasts and it will break you as you strain trying to recall. The amazing feeling of being so essential to their lives will give way to being happy with the simplest tag on a Facebook post. Any mention of "Mom" on their social media , which you follow closely, pulls the strings on your heart like a marionette. You take joy in hearing them mention a meal you make that they love or recalling anything you did for them as children. Staying up all night making 3 Power Puff Girl cakes or getting up at dawn for Barn Duty. You worry they have forgotten it all, accepting that they have probably forgotten most of it and you light up whenever those memories emerge. You will always miss being their Mommy. Always.

But if you are like me, you thank God that somehow you did enough. Because even though they are grown, they call. They come over with your grandkids all the time. You have meals, and vacations, holidays and ordinary days. They tag you, text you, send you funny videos and snarky GiFs.

They will spend time with you and still laugh at you, even though it's because they think you are crazy as opposed to a comedy genius. They will bless you with grandchildren and want you to be a part of their lives.

They will even stop by and check on you when it snows. When they do you will LOVE being their Mom and in the midst of all that joy, a tug in your heart will still miss the sound of their sweet little voice calling for you. "Mommy?"